That which offends you only weakens you (E07)

+ Transcript

TWO DADS A coaching conversation about life - Episode 07

That which offends you only weakens you

Luke Fenwick 0:01 Hello everybody and welcome back to Episode 7. The only thing for certain in life is the choice we have with the thoughts we tank. Often our minds flip into being offended when the simplest of things doesn't line up with our expectations. Is a comment or message creating a deep and extreme reaction in your world? Well, in this week's show, Sean and I dive deep into the statement that 'which offends you on the weakens you'. To find out why it impacts so so many and what you can do about it. Let's get to the show. And don't forget, subscribe, like and share. Let's go. We are back. Sean. Hello. Welcome. I'm excited for this one. It's episode number seven. Here we go.

Sean Oldham 0:53 It's like a touchdown in American football. We now have a touchdown worth of episodes.

Luke Fenwick 0:58 Is that is that what you get for a touchdown to. Is it?

Sean Oldham 1:00 You get you get six and then if you kick the extra point you get seven so...

Luke Fenwick 1:03 right okay. Okay.

Sean Oldham 1:05 Yeah very different from Aussie rules, which I'm not going to pretend like I can come close to understanding

Luke Fenwick 1:09 No one understands what that sport is about. Even the people who have grown up watching that sport really don't under the umpires don't know what it's about. The fans don't know what it's about. And it is just the entertainment. It's the the passion, the history, the all the little niggly jobs along the way, but no one understands the game. And that's why it's impossible to understand people. Anyway.

Sean Oldham 1:36 Well, you know, either way, either way. It's good to be back. Good to be talking with you. So we do have some exciting news we got we got a few things to discuss. We are we're having a rebrand Are we not? Tell me what's going on?

Luke Fenwick 1:52 We are, we are, as everybody knows, thank you for the listeners that do follow us we are to dads a coaching conversation about life. And we are changing to a conversation for a better tomorrow. Now you know why we're doing this? You know, when we first started to do the pod, we said well, we are two dads. So that kind of makes sense. And you know, we are coaches so let's, let's do that. But the challenge that we had is that this is kind of evolving into more than just two dads having a conversation or a coaching conversation, we're actually trying to have long format, dialogue with each other in order to make you know, things better tomorrow. And that's kind of what our aim is for people that are listening, if we can provide some kind of insight and information to make tomorrow better for you, then awesome. And we certainly still talk about our kids like part of what we're trying to make change for is, is this world to be a better place. So we do have this rebrand 'conversation for a better tomorrow', you'll see some changes on social media, you know, very, very soon whether or not it's this week or next week, but it's not far off. So we have a new name and a new look. Show on tell us about our first few guests. I know you have been very very busy reaching out to people in your community. We've got some amazing minds lined up. Why don't you tell us about in the first one or two or?

Sean Oldham 3:15 Yeah, the first couple of days the exact order locking in whom I'm not entirely sure. But you know, a good friend of mine and past Costa Rican MMA champion, Ariel Tarzan Saxon will be a guest, you know, big into the mindfulness and, you know, he's fought in the NFC championships as well. And now he likes to promote mindfulness through you know, to the younger generation through martial arts. And, you know, I think he's a, you know, give me a great guest, you know, to speak about mindfulness and discipline. You know, another gentleman who co founded a new concept on how to do the housing model in Toronto, Ontario, he was actually also an Airbnb executive, and, you know under 30, for business in Vancouver, he just, he thinks differently, you know, he's a very forward thinker, Daniel Dubois is going to be on the show, and both one of our guest spots, and as well on the list of guests, another gentleman named Mike, you know, big in the business community in Vancouver as well. He's the president of strand development, a long standing development firm here, and he was also top 40, under 40, for business in Vancouver. So he's done some really amazing things, a lot of charitable contributions. So you know, some, some, some really good minds and experts in their fields that you know, again, hence the rebrand, right, you know, conversation for a better tomorrow. Not everybody has to be a dad to be on the show. And we also realized some of the feedback that we got was that, you know, after listening, some people were like, Hey, I really enjoyed the show. I was surprised though, I thought it was gonna be more of a parenting show. So I was like, Okay, well, we need to do something about that. So, you know, but yeah, that's just a few of the guests that are gonna be coming up soon excited to have those conversations. You know, and I'm just excited. It's it's always fun to just kind of see the world, you know, through a different lens, right? What different people bring to the table. So it's going to just make for some interesting dialogue, and, you know, more learning, so I'm all for it.

Luke Fenwick 5:08 I can't wait, I can't wait. And if anybody is out there listening, I know there's been a few people that have reached out to myself on social media wanting to come on the show. So if anybody is listening, you know, please reach out to either one of us, we'd love to try and find some time, you know, over the coming weeks and months, as we really start to move this thing, you know, in a slightly different direction. But, Sean I know you're a big Tom billyoh fan. And I remember, you mentioned in one of your Instagram posts a while back that Tom actually asks his applicants when they were last offended, and what it was that offended them. So today's show is, is obviously about that mentioned in in the opener, but you know, tell me, tell me a little bit more.

Sean Oldham 5:51 Yeah, well, I remember that that's actually one of the posts that I think we started connecting on. Because, you know, even though you might not have agreed completely with that post, it struck a nerve. But, you know, I've been thinking this a lot over the last couple of years, right, you know, as call out culture increases, and, you know, we all have our keyboards and we get, you know, from a distance, you know, criticize people and, you know, chastise people, because, you know, just simply who they are, seems to offend us. Right. And it's not a good trend, right. It's not something that, you know, makes me happy to see. And I searched, honestly, not knowing we were doing this show, I searched for that episode. Like, I googled the, you know, that specific thing. I tried to find it, I couldn't. But you know, it was it was Tom Billy, you speaking with, with a guest and, you know, he asked his gas to was it was a she, but he asked her, you know, what's your stance on on being easily offended, right, and they were having a little bit of a conversation. And then he actually shared that when he is dealing with applicants, right, people that want to work for Impact Theory, or one of his brands, because quest nutrition is no longer his he sold it, but you know, Impact Theory impact Theory University, all of the different offshoots of that is his obviously. And he asked them, when was the last time you were offended? Right? And why did it offend you? So the reason he wants to ask those questions without asking, Are you easily offended is that you know, flat out, he wants to work with people that are thick skinned, that can take criticism, right, that can that can be told that the work they are doing, you know, needs to shift gears or change direction, because it is not that quality, and to have that person be able to hear it, and to not disintegrate as a human being right, not turn into a puddle because they've been given some, you know, criticism or feedback. And, you know, that really kind of, you know, got me thinking on the subject even further. Right. And there's, you know, I can't wait to get into the quotes today. But, you know, we're gonna hold on that, obviously, but there was it just yeah, so I made a post on that subject. And that post actually got quite a lot of responses as well, because you know, I probably had half the followers that I do now. But it still was one of the one that triggered, you know, a large amount of comments, because, you know, the a lot of people were thinking about that, you know, am I easily offended? It just kind of provokes thought, right. And that's pretty forward thinking. But Tom Billy is not alone in wanting to kind of weed out people that are easily offended and disintegrate under pressure because they, you know, think that ... is it our systems fault is kind of the question of where I'm going to now Luke, right? Where we cuddle too much, right, everybody gets a medal for participating, right? Whereas then when you get out into the real world, and you realize things are actually really hard, and you're going to get criticism, and then people can't take it. Right. So that's kind of the thought of this show today is, you know, what is being easily offended do for your life? Is it good or bad? Is it going to benefit you? You know, and there's obviously some things that should probably offend you, right? I'm not saying that you should be completely stoic and walk out as if there's not an issue at all in this world. There definitely is. But why are we so surprised that humans are capable of doing some things that might offend us? Right? And it just it to me, the reason that I want to dive into this discussion, is that if we head out into the world, with a lens of looking for things to offend us, well, we are going to find it in abundance. Right? So the choice is that of the beholder? Do you want to be easily offended? Or do you not?

Luke Fenwick 9:36 There's, there's so much in there and there's just a couple of things that I want to touch on. And one of those when you were talking about that feedback piece and and you know, that goes into that whole growth and fixed mindset that is, you know, something that we all we all hear about, and it's you know, do you have the ability to look at the situation for what it is and and understand that the growth of you is the important part. It's not whether or not you go it right or wrong, it's being on that journey to actually improve and move yourself forward. So him turning around saying, if you can't manage that yourself, then that's not something I want to work on is really important. And something that really jumped into my mind then of, you know, if you're walking around being easily offended by so many things that I just wonder, Are you clear on the values of your life? And what matters to you? In reality? Like, are you really clear on that? Or is that why you're just so you know, jumping and changing towards so many things? I don't know. I'm not saying that's what it is. But there are a few things that jumped into my mind, as you're talking through through that.

Sean Oldham 10:37 Yeah, well, I wanted to, you know, make sure I can connect the dots at the end, and didn't get too far ahead with the thought. But there definitely is a bit of a clarity piece. Right. And, you know, the more reading that I was doing on the subject as we prepared, the one like, you know, point of correlation that I kept finding was that, you know, people that are easily offended, often have skewed expectations of the world, right? Because Have you ever heard the saying, people don't let you down your expectations of people let you down? Right, and I'd like, you know, this is where I'd love your opinion on this. But, you know, we almost kind of promote ease in this planet, right? And ease economy, everything should be easy, right? apps to order food from any restaurant, and it's at your door within an hour, you know, swipe right, swipe left, I don't know which way to swipe. I've never been on a dating app, but you know, swipe the right way. And you've got a date that night, right? And whatever city you go to, you know, and it's like, every kind of generation, we seem to be trying to engineer everything to make things easier, right? Is this part of it? Is it everybody gets a participation medal? Is it you know, like, like, what is the reason that the expectations are so high that everything seems to offend everyone and not now, that's a generalization, right? But I'm kind of saying this Luke, as a, you know, recovered individual who used to be, you know, get self righteous about certain things, or want to take a stance on certain things. And although this is not the quote that, you know, we're gonna we're gonna bring up later that there's a few that I'm thinking of right now is one, you know, by Keanu Reeves, right? Where he says, you know "At my age, I stay out of every argument, you know, I'm just gonna let you have them". Right. It's just simply not for me, right? Because he just has no interest in you know, like, being self righteous, or standing on his soapbox. He's gonna let other people you know, go there instead. And you know, another thing about the ease concept is, you know, I've heard Denzel Washington say, "Ease is a greater threat to progress than hardship", right? But wanting everything to be easy, and expecting everything to be easy. Just makes things so much harder in the end, hmm.

Luke Fenwick 12:42 I think, you know, I look at someone like Keanu and I go, Well, does he stay out of it, because he's, he's so he's so comfortable in his own skin is so comfortable in his own skin that he just doesn't, he just doesn't care about that stuff. That's why he just doesn't get involved in it, because he's not trying to prove it's not trying to prove a point. You know, he's not trying to, you know, validate himself in the, in the eyes of other people. So he's like, well, I'm just not going to get get involved in it. Like, I wonder whether or not that's part of it. And, you know, you mentioned before, so what role do people's expectations play in terms of them being easily offended? You mentioned it briefly before, and you want to get into that a little deeper?

Sean Oldham 13:24 Yeah, well, it's just, you know, again, like, you know, being a recovered, you know, like, placing expectations on others, you know, and it's a dangerous game, right? It's a very dangerous game, to place high expectations on anyone, right? Because anyone is a human, right? And things can go wrong in their lives, right? Like, their energy can be up, it can be low, right? They can have gone through a bad situation, you just never really know what's going on in another human beings mind. And you know what, to expect them to be consistent all the time, and to always meet your expectations, and to never have an off day, you know, and to just like, it's a dangerous game to play. Because you're, you're absolutely guaranteed to have an off day, right, or somebody is guaranteed to just not follow through on something they said they would do for you. Right? And, you know, I think a big reason why a lot of relationships fizzle out nowadays, right? And, again, expectations and then you know, the show is about being easily offended. So make sure we go back there. But think about this, right? I know that some of my past relationships failed For this reason, and I'd love to hear your your, your thoughts on this. But this world that we live in, you know, this this like on steroids, social media world that we live in, where you know, we're always looking at what other people are doing. And you know, Instagram makes us think that everything should be perfect, and we're trying to be something right. We're trying to display an image of something, right. Authenticity is a rare breed these days, I find and, you know, when you present a certain way to somebody because you think that's what they want. Right, you create that expectation that is false. And eventually it becomes difficult. And this is going back to a past show, but it becomes difficult to be somebody you are not right for a very, very long time. So, you know, you create an expectation that you can't deliver on forever, and then you know, the relationship will fracture, right. So, this is why I think that, you know, expectations of, you know, what we think others think we should be, and our expectations of others, is what creates this being offended in the end, right. And because you did not stand up to my expectations, and that's where I think the mirror needs to be held up, right? I used to think that this was a bad thing, but I don't really have expectations, you know, I don't, because others know myself, I have expectations and standards, because I'm the only person that I can genuinely hold accountable, right. So I absolutely have expectations and goals of myself. But you know, I don't like AI people are human. So the people in my life, even close friends, if something goes wrong, or they they, you know, can't uphold up with something or, you know, like, my wife has a bad day, you know, it's like, You're, you're human, it's okay. You know, like, just give yourself a break, right? Like, I don't, I don't get super worked up if things don't go my way anymore. Because that's part of it. Right? Like, life is hard, right? It is hard. And it always was it is now and it's going to continue to be, whether we try to promote an economy or not. And, you know, so I think that, you know, expectations are dangerous. And if you don't check your expectations, you're going to be let down a lot. And you're going to be offended a lot by a lot of different things. Because the world is unpredictable and ever changing. So check your expectations maybe, right?

Luke Fenwick 16:49 That's really true. I was actually talking to a client last night, Jess, shout out, I know that she listens to the pod. And we were talking about that in regards to, you know, you want to make sure that you're clearly communicating, you know, because she's in a relationship and things are changing in her world. So we're talking about her being focused on the ability for her to impact on herself, because that at the end of the day is all that she can do. Right? She can be the best version of herself in each and every day. But everything outside of that is not something that she should tie her success measure to, because it's just impossible when you're talking about partners or work colleagues, or whatnot. Now the key is, and what we'll talk about last night is that you still want to be able to communicate to other people that these are your expectations. In a relationship. That's, that's important. You don't want to be so insular that you're going all I'm doing is I'm just focusing on myself, here. And now. And that's it, and then just letting the other person you know, think what they want like that communication is really important. You just can't tie yourself to what happens next more than anything else.

Sean Oldham 17:58 I think that's a really, really good point, Luke, because I do want to clarify, because that almost kind of, you know, makes it sound like, you know, I might live in a complete free for all.

Luke Fenwick 18:07 No, your, your, your point. Is, is bang on. Sorry, to jump in there. Just I just want to say like I just, you know, it's resonates so much because it was happening last night, and what what design is is absolutely bang on. And there's the step also that comes after that, that maybe some people I think that's where they forget sometimes is that they just go Oh, I'm gonna focus on myself. But there's these other very, very invested interests floating around that they just don't, don't engage with.

Sean Oldham 18:36 Yeah, well, I think we could do an entirely different show on assumption as well. Right with which definitely, is isn't dangerous. Yeah, is a dangerous game as well. You know, because there's that saying, right? The assumption makes an ass of you and me are to assume or what Sorry, I'm, I might have butchered that. But no, to kind of, to kind of close this point up, though. It, it's just yeah, we're like, you know, a fear to communicate, and set these blind expectations of another in your mind that they have no idea that they're there. Right. And that's, that's where a lot of relationships go to die, is, you know, like false expectations, or blind expectations where, you know, you never communicate to the other person what you expect, or how you think they should behave, but you punish them when they don't behave when they haven't telepathically, you know, figured out what your expectations are. And you know, then you then you become frustrated, right. So, like, you have to communicate, and you know, the best relationships make it because the communication over time improves, it doesn't deteriorate. You know what I mean? And it's, yeah, it's like, it's but you know, at the same time, like, you know, and this is something I got from Darren Hardy's book, the compound effect, I was reminded of it because a friend who also listened to the show, Jesse shout out, was just reading it. And he reminded me of how you know, Darren Hardy says, and it's like, what happens to your life, if you start taking 100 percent responsibility for the relationships you're in, right? Remove expectations, but take 100% responsibility for the relationships you're in and trying to make them good, right? Because like, I heard something recently reminded of the fact that like, networking is not about receiving value, it's about giving value, right? And, you know, remembering that, you know, the more kind of service focused you are removing expectations and just trying to add value to the other humans that you find yourself in contact with, and just kind of like make that your life. You know, I heard Lewis Howes say this a lot, you know, Jay Shetty, who, you know, we're obviously at the Jay Shetty certification school. And, you know, a lot of people talk about this service, but for a long time, I heard it said, and I didn't quite understand it, you know, and again, before derailing off into, you know, a different topic entirely, you know, what happens? Luke? Like, general question, you know, and then then I've got a question for you after this, that that's actually in the show's notes. But, you know, what happens to someone's life, right to someone's life is just not really having a good time right now, because things aren't going their way, probably because they expected things to be a lot easier. And it's turning out to be quite hard, right? What happens to their life, if they ditch the expectations, and just kind of go with the flow? And instead adopt a service mindset, right about just like, how can I add value wherever I go, right, and just try to, you know, add value to all the other humans without expectation of anything in return, right? Just like completely eradicate expectation, apart from loved ones that you have very close relationships with, you have clearly communicated expectations. But what happens to somebody's life If they do that?

Luke Fenwick 21:32 Well, a few things happen, I think you immediately start to take any kind of egotistical behavior out because all of a sudden, you're focusing, you know, externally and supporting others with no expectations in return. And I think that just has eventually has a compound effect, where you're just, you know, everybody talks about being in the moment, right, like being in the moment be the best version you can be placed every moment on its merit, like, however you want to talk about those things like, that is the very essence of being in the moment, like I'm here on now. There's this person in front of me, I'm going to bring my best version of myself to make this situation, the best it can be. And I think that has an amazing impact. You know, it might not necessarily do it straight away. But you know, I think those things over time, we're just going to get stronger and stronger and stronger. And that's, that is the biggest actionable action out of anybody. When they say to you, hey, you should just be present in this moment. And you know, focus on that, okay, well, here's what you do when you're in that moment, and you've got someone else standing in front of you, when you're not meditating or sitting in your cave or on your mountaintop. do those things.

Sean Oldham 22:42 Yeah, just how can I make this, you know, is, it doesn't need to be a grand gesture, either, right? I think when people missed the point on that, it's the little things done routinely, right? Like the little things that little habits that turn into massive results in the end. And now Now moving on to this question for you, but you kind of said something about, you know, like living in the moment, and like this whole YOLO mentality, people can get that really wrong, too. You know, like, I'm gonna just because I'm living in the moment, I'm going to book this vacation on credit, and just have an amazing time, you know, or, like, I'm gonna live in the moment and, like, eradicate, you know, future plans, you know, like that. Get it right. And listen to what Luke said, you know, live in the moment and think about, you know, how can I be of service? And how can I serve humanity and serve the people around me. And something magical happens when you just start looking to do things for other people without any expectation, it took me a long time to understand this in my life. I wish I learned it sooner. And you know, it's my mission to help other people learn this sooner. Right? The earlier you remove expectations when you give, the more ironically, that starts coming back. And it's really a beautiful thing. But like, if you get anything from this show, get that right, get that part, right learn to give without the expectation of anything in return. And if you can do that, you're going to see your life change in a pretty radical way.

Luke Fenwick 24:00 And you're going to be less offended too, because I think that's there. All this is none of this stuff is in isolation. Like you know, being offended because you are being wrapped up in yourself and your self centered actions in regards to you mentioned before, I expect this to happen. And it's not happening. And that's why I'm offended. Sorry, like this. None of these things are separate.

Sean Oldham 24:22 No, and that's actually a good segue because you just wrote an article "Hey there, you might be a narcissist". And you kind of already answered it a little bit with the prelude to that but dive in a little bit, right? Like how does how does narcissism now it's it's I'm not gonna sit here I've been I've probably fallen into this category being a narcissist if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, right? So you know, I'm not sitting sitting here judging anybody who is caught in this cycle right now. I also just judgment as a wasted emotion. Right. It took me a long time to learn that as well. But you know, it just life is just so much easier when you just don't judge and you just You know, remove a lot of expectations. But you know that that's something that I'd love you to tie in here, right? Like you just wrote this article. So enlighten us a little bit.

Luke Fenwick 25:08 Yeah, it's, it was a follow up to "Men, you can sort your shit out by ourselves". And that was my most popular blog. And it was the most popular with ladies, and was the most popular with Ladies saying my partner needs to read this. And I don't know whether or not a lot of men actually enjoyed it, I think it was maybe a little bit too confronting. And I think this one's actually been the same if I go by some of the comments. And I say the same thing that you do, Sean, I have certainly suffered from a lot of these characteristics over life. And it's something that I'm really mindful of, because it does, you no good to be this way. But a clinician may diagnose narcissistic personality disorder in someone has five or more of these signs and symptoms, and I read these quickly, 1. feelings of self importance or superiority, 2. frequent thoughts about being good looking powerful successful, 3. believes that they are separate special or above other people, and 4. need to be looked up to by others 5. feeling of entitlement to special treatment or an expectation that others should cater to what they want 6. a tendency to take advantage of exploiting others, 7. difficulty empathizing with other people's needs, desires or emotions, 8. feelings of envy towards others, or beliefs that other people envy them, or 9. behaviors that seem arrogant or proud. And I go back to our, you know, our session today or what the episode is about that, which offends you only weakens you. And this is the same person. As far as I'm concerned, I'm looking at these characteristics I'm going if you're acting in all these other particular ways, then chances are many things are going to offend you. If you think all of this stuff is built for you, to allow you to, you know, to be king of the hill, so to speak, then when it doesn't go your way, you're going to get pretty, you're going to get pretty pissed off about it. So I think the question that people need to ask themselves if they're sitting there listening to us today and going okay, or I get easily offended about a lot of stuff. And you know, what, actually might be a narcissist, you got to go, Well, what is your long term play and strategy, you know, is your expectation that you're going to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years being offended about something that someone says that doesn't align with your thoughts and values, you're going to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years walking around feeling superior or entitlement or, you know, taking advantage and exploiting other people like, these are all things that going back to what we were speaking about moments ago, don't serve you well, in the long term, they don't serve others around you well, and if you don't do something about it, and you have kids, for example, and you continue to act this way, your kids will grow up more than likely going, Yeah, you know, I'm gonna do that. Because they don't listen to us. They, they copy us, they watch us. And then they do the same thing. So yeah, that's why I thought I'd raise that today. Because, again, I think these things are connected with a particular kind of people that maybe have that low self worth.

Sean Oldham 28:10 It's and, you know, the hope some people don't unfollow for, you know, maybe that having struck a nerve a little bit, like, due to a tendency for self preservation. You know, to a degree, we all have to think that we're important, right and worthy of something. So, you know, like, there's probably even some of the best people among us, that still tick a box or two, they're, you know, like, nobody's perfect, right?

Luke Fenwick 28:32 We talk about 5 characteristics in this particular thing. They say, if you've got five or more, then that's something to be mindful.

Sean Oldham 28:39 I like, that's why I was putting my hands up when you were saying it, right. Like, what once I've once upon a time, like no doubt, right, I'm gonna put my hand up and I have no shame in it, you know, that I'm an open book, you know, recovered narcissist here, right, the, you know, like, I still like to stay fit, but I used to stay fit for very different reasons. Once upon a time, right now, it's for self preservation and wanting to set the right example for my kids and, you know, wanting to compete in triathlons, again, when, you know, the world opens up and, you know, like, again, just, I want to be you know, 70 plus and be able to still do some things that you know, previous generations thought you can still do at those ages. You know, like it's just the world's gonna be more fun that way. Right? So my scope has completely changed but I'm absolutely a recovered narcissist. And man, like as we get deeper into the show, everything used to offend me, you know, and, and my energy as a result, like my energy sucked, right? Like, like, just think about it from an energy standpoint, Luke, like think about, you know, going through your days, and everything from somebody cutting you off, like, you know, a friend of mine, you know, Jesse again, ironically, told me that his brother has a technique driving in traffic, right when like, he gets cut off his he has a default, right? Like the cue when somebody cuts him off or does a stupid maneuver in traffic is to just catch himself and immediately say, Good luck on your journey. Right? So like, just to look at the car and say good luck on your journey. Right, because if you're not aware, right, if you don't have solid self awareness and you stub your toe first thing in the morning or something starts to go wrong, that's your day, man. Like that is your day, right? And like, then everything is getting on your nerves and everything is starting to offend you and think about what that does. If you're listening right now, and you're still trying to figure out, you know, do I tech check some of those narcissist, narcissist boxes? You know, am I easily offended? No one's calling out names, and no one's calling you out. This is about awareness, right? Like we do these shows to hopefully have somebody listening, be able to pull something from the recording and say, I can relate to that. And you know, if I actually put that into play, my life might actually just improve by an incremental amounts, right? We're, we're not claiming that you listen to an episode and your life will be cured and fixed forever. But you might just pull something from the show that if you execute, right, you're going to see some improvements. And that's what that's what this really is all about, is how much energy is going out the door, by allowing yourself to be offended by anything and everything that happens out there in the world. Because if that's the lens, you choose to go out into the world with, right, if you're looking for things to offend you, congratulations, you are going to find many things to offend you.

Luke Fenwick 31:19 We, we know the challenges of social media and bullying and, you know, just some of the stuff that you see online and then the impact that goes on around so you know, why do you think it's almost fashionable for people to judge from a distance? And I mean, there are, you know, far too many stories of people committing suicide from cyber bullying. Why do we feel the need to be offended by someone just being themselves?

Sean Oldham 31:48 Insecurities, you know, it fully comes down to insecurities. You know, I can't remember who I can accredit this to. But basically, you know, one thing that's kind of put me at ease is actually hearing I think it's like a Joe Rogan, or, you know, Gary Vaynerchuk, or it might have been a Goggins, I'm not entirely sure. But, you know, if you don't have haters, you're not trying hard enough, right? Because, you know, nobody in front of you is going to look back, and, you know, start to call you out from the cheap seats, right? Like, you know, Brene brown actually has a special on Netflix, I'm sure it's still there. And she's a brilliant mind when it comes to studying shame, and studying all of these different types of behaviors. But, you know, she said something in that documentary, and I'm gonna, I might butcher it, but I'm gonna paraphrase. And she's like, she made a decision, right, she made a decision, that she was no longer going to listen to anybody from the cheap seats, period, right? You're just not listening to you. Because if you're not brave enough to step into the arena, as she says, write and be vulnerable, and expose yourself and dare to be seen in all your glory, she isn't even going to acknowledge that you exist, right with your with your cheap seat comments. But you know, that that's just kind of what it is, I believe it stems from insecurities, you know what I mean? Like, I'm comparison and envy, I used to do this, I used to, again, like I've had to correct a lot of behaviors in my life, right. And that's why I'm doing what I'm doing now is that I've had to learn from a lot of mistakes. And, you know, having learned from them, gives me a much greater appreciation of everything that I have in my life now, you know, and it's just kind of starting to be able to kind of look at yourself and say, why am I criticizing all of these people? Right? Like, why do I feel the need to, you know, like, shame these people or criticize them or shame their body or whatever it might be. Usually, when you're criticizing somebody for something, it's often something that you don't like in yourself, right? And it's a subconscious tendency. And I'm thinking about this one thing, and you might not know this show. You know, my fiance has it on sometimes, it's a Japanese reality show. But like really sad, one of the characters. And this happened during the pandemic after they stopped filming, but one of the characters was a wrestler. I'd watched a couple shows really, really lovely young lady, you know, she committed suicide because of cyber bullying, because of the people that watch the show, just criticizing and criticizing her for every one of her attributes. And, you know, she was she was an athlete, right? She was, you know, like she she was a little you know, punky with the different colored hair. But, you know, there's nothing to be ashamed of, right. But again, like, you know, this young lady took her life because of this call out culture because of these like brave cyber warriors that are, you know, calling people out from their keyboards, whether never be face to face with somebody. And you know, why are they doing this? Is it because they are completely and utterly secure in their own skin? Is it because they know who they are? And they believe they they have like firm and utter confidence in their own existence? Like, you know, Keanu Reeves, who I'm going to say out of every argument, I just don't have time for that. They're clearly not at Keanu Reeves level. Right. But you know, this is the sad part is that I think a lot of people find significance from going out there and criticizing somebody else that has taken a chance at life. You That is stepping out there onto the ledge and being vulnerable. And I'm gonna just go flat out and say that I do find that disgusting, right? I've never been a cyber bully, or I've never, you know, criticized from the cheap seats like that, you know, I have made life a little more difficult for myself than it needed to be by calling people out in person, right. But I will always tell somebody, if I'm willing, if I'm gonna say it, you're going to hear it from me, right bottom line. And that is something that I genuinely think is really wrong with the world today. And I know, I went all the way towards something that I actually didn't even realize I was going to talk about today until it just kind of triggered my memory here. But I mean, I want to throw it back at you, you know, like, why, why do we behave this way? How do we change it?

Luke Fenwick 35:44 Well, I suppose I suppose I'll look at and say, you know, I have, you know, fit nicely, certainly not nicer. But I've fitted into that category of being easily offended in the past like that something, something that, you know, I was, you know, someone would say this, or I'd read this, or, you know, whatever it was, and I kind of go, I try to think back and go well, why, you know, Why were these things going on? And I think, for me, it was it was insecurity, it was not having enough confidence in myself that those things didn't really matter. I think there was like a whole heap of things, but they're all none of it. Always being easily offended by other people and things, not from a place of being like always in a good spot, if that makes sense. Like I was certainly the things weren't, weren't great, because I just didn't have that confidence piece. So, you know, I go and go, Well, how do I change that? You know, what did I do a little bit different? And, and I think it is about being more positive in the moment and finding, finding those little things, right, finding those little things along the way. That's about reframing, you know, the situation and establishing those new patterns. So if, if you do find that you are being easily offended by many, many different things, though, is that kind of fleeting second, more of a sudden, you know, that, you know, you go from zero to 100, it's like, well, how do you how do you look at this differently? And how do you, you know, how do you re establish new patterns of reaction? And I think, too, it's, it's also about talking, right? Instead of instead of being offended, by something that's going on, maybe seek to understand where that information is coming from, or, you know, there's a whole internal piece, but it's also looking externally, and maybe asking, why do you Why do you think that if you've got the opportunity, and someone said something that offends you ask them? Why do you think that? Why do you say that? And maybe it is that enables you then to, you know, flip your perspective. And at the end of the day, it's also about going so what, and I think that was one of the biggest changes for me, and certainly, you know, now in this kind of coaching world, and you're trying to, you know, move your brand and your business forward, and there's Everywhere you look, there's, you know, opportunity for people to go, Well, you know, why are they doing a podcast? Or why they're doing a video or why they're writing a blog, or all of those things of self doubt come in, and you go, Well, if they don't like it, you know, I can get offended by it. And, and why have I not got 100,000, you know, likes on Instagram for this amazing blog that I've just, you know, created? And eventually I go well, so what? Like, I'm not, I'm not doing it for that, you know, I've got to be in this moment, to again, do the things we're talking about, put your best foot forward, be in this position? How do I make this as how do I make this beautiful, right? How do I make the situation here? Beautiful? And if I can do that, so what about the other stuff that that was offending me, that actually has no impact on my life at all, other than in my mind.

Sean Oldham 38:59 I really like that. And when I hear you kind of speak about all those things, it just kind of comes back to clarity, right? clarity of kind of knowing who you are, and why you're doing this, right. And, you know, you've you've got the reasons checked, because this is a tough game to get into, if you're not doing it from a purpose driven standpoint, right? Because you've got to sit through some discomfort, you've got to sit through a lot of nose before you figure out how and getting good at getting the yeses, you know, and like getting, you know, more clients on board and figuring out how to really connect with people from the content that you're producing. And, you know, some of it doesn't resonate, and some people say not so nice things and you know, it's just it's, you've got to have that peace of mind. Again, you know, good luck on your journey. And that's actually something that I use a lot of the time now, right good luck on your journey. And you know, genuinely mean it because in any entrepreneurial venture, get ready to be disappointed a lot. Get ready to, you know, get a lot of nos. Get ready to You know, realize that you just meant a couple of weeks doing something that has absolutely no value, and you're not going to use in the end, right? Like, you've just simply got to get ready to reinvent yourself often. And, you know, just just you've got to start looking at these inputs as lessons, right, like lessons. And, you know, like, just changing the scope from I'm so great. And, you know, everyone else isn't getting it like, why am I not at you know, 10,000x followers yet? You know, it's, it's a journey. And, you know, it's I go back to the compound interest, which is not just a financial measure, right? It is not just a financial measure. Compound Interest can be measured in one's performance over time at anything, you know, the longer that you apply yourself at that thing, you're just simply going to get better from the repetitions. You know, Malcolm Gladwell coined it. And I think the book was at outliers, or I can't remember which book but he coined that 10,000 hour rule. Now, it's debated, you know, exactly, you know, what makes somebody great. There's another great book on deliberate practice and talent called the talent code by Daniel Coyle, but basically, use these inputs, right, use it not going completely your way as measurements. And, you know, the, I think it was again, that who said this, I don't know. But I'm, I'm gonna stop quoting people, until we get to the quote section. But if you look at it like this, this has been huge for me. And this, this has allowed me to kind of override, my ego that used to be very prevalent force in my life is look at it like this. I don't lose, I win, or I learn, right? So if you're taking all incoming signals, as you know, either I won this or this was great like that this, like, is confirmation that that is that part of it? I did correctly. So I'm going to keep moving forward with that and see where I can improve that. And if it didn't go, Well, okay. Well, what did I learn? Right? Take a second sit in that, you know, evaluate, why didn't that work, but you know, you have to be pissed off for a second, then be pissed off, but just make sure that that's directed at the right place, you right, not the outside world for not recognizing your greatness right away, you know, put it back on you and figure out, why didn't that work out so well. And if you can master that, it's absolutely amazing. Because then you actually learn from every situation you're in, right? Because you're transcending ego. And you're starting to see the world for what it is a challenging arena that is going to teach you lessons, if you are present enough to take them in.

Luke Fenwick 42:33 You know, what goes back? If you're, if you're seeking the ultimate outcome to always win and be right, then No wonder you're being easily offended when some of the things don't line up to that expectation.

Sean Oldham 42:45 Yes, yeah. It's, you know, it's, you know, it's like the Steve Jobs. You know, he was a leader that was much maligned for being very harsh, right for being very, you know, mean to people. But he also was totally okay with being called out for being wrong, right? Like, if if somebody in his organization was willing to call him out and point out where he wasn't seeing it correctly, he rewarded that kind of behavior. Right? So you know, yes, he was to the point, yes, his social skills, were not that solid. And, you know, he did, if you've watched any of his movies, or read documentaries, a lot of his tactics were questioned. But that's one thing I can always respect is being okay with being wrong, because at the end, that that gives you a better chance of eventually getting it right than having a need to be right. Because then what you end up possibly doing, and again, it all ties back to being easily offended. Because if you're easily offended, you do not want to hear when you are wrong, right? You don't want that feedback, you don't want you working with somebody that is potentially better than you, you risk not hiring or promoting the right people into positions if you're working in a big organization, because they threaten you, right? Because they might be better than you. If at the end of the day, you genuinely are mission driven, and you're looking to move your company forward based on its mission, then it's the right person for the job period, right? you transcend ego once again, and you just make sure that, you know, I'm checking all incoming signals on a learning basis, not on a wanting to confirm that I'm great or wanting to confirm that I'm right to basis, you know, and it's again, you remove expectations, you remove your preconceived notions of yourself, and just make sure you're going in with an open mind. Nobody's perfect, right, Steve Jobs wasn't but he got results. And I don't think that Apple is the company that it is today. If he has a hard time and is completely anti being proven wrong. That just doesn't happen.

Luke Fenwick 44:34 No, I don't think so. While you're trying to find your notes that you made mentioned before about Bernie brown and her big thing is vulnerability. And as you're talking about that, I'm going okay, well, if things if things are easily offending you, then maybe it is because you just aren't having any vulnerability. You're not just not open to these opportunities. So I think that's a really important connection to make.

Sean Oldham 44:57 Yeah, definitely. And She's awesome. By the way, if you're listening that her Netflix documentary, I think it's about 80 minutes. It's, it's worth a watch, you know, if you've read any of her books, you know for sure that's the case. But I want to move on to quotes. Now, I want to ask you to dive into this one, you've picked one of the great stoics. So I'm looking forward to this one. "You have power over your mind, not outside events, realize this and you will find strength". Marcus Aurelius.

Luke Fenwick 45:29 Yeah, we look, we've spoken about this a few times. But I think this, you know, sums up more than anything else is that well, the only thing that you have control over is your mind. And that is it. In a degree, you also you don't have any control over your body at the end of the day, right. So the only thing that you have control over is your mind, nothing on the outside. And as soon as you figure that out, then it gives you the strength to do to do whatever you you want. And it's certainly also gives you the strength to not be offended, like we've been talking about today. So the power of the mind is an incredible thing. It can move us forward, it can move us backwards, it can give us the strength to do anything we want. And it can also be the darkest blackest hole that we could possibly fall into. And I just think this is a really, really powerful thing. This is all about our mind, our perception how we're looking at things. And that's what I think it's about.

Sean Oldham 46:23 I think you nailed it, I don't really have anything to add there. Right? Like, if you if you exercise, you know, the right to understand this quote, and, you know, strengthen your mind and to try to lose the easily offended nature. That's the one thing that people can't take from you if you don't allow it to be taken.

Luke Fenwick 46:45 Absolutely could not agree more. Wayne Dyer had this one, "that which offends you or only weakens you, being easily offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place. So transcend your ego, and stay in peace?"

Sean Oldham 47:03 Well, this one pretty clearly was was in the title, you know, this kind of sparked the idea for the show in the first place. And you know, that a lot of the younger generation might actually not be completely aware of Wayne Dyer. I mean, he has passed on, you know, I found out about Wayne Dyer, once he had already passed on, right. But he was one of the pretty forward thinkers and in popularizing, you know, manifestation and, you know, like, like, like, you know, if I can, is it his quote, whereas if I can see it in, if I can see it in my mind, then I will hold it in my hand, I think that was him. But anyhow, there's a lot of power in this comment. And, you know, that offends that, which offends you only weakens you? It really is true, right? Because, you know, as the Buddha said, some 2500 years ago, all life is suffering, right? So you either look at that statement and fall victim to it and think, well, what's the point I give up, or you transcend it and realize that, you know, once I accept that, that life is hard, right? Once I accept that, you know, there are a lot of human beings on this planet, and all of the other ones out there are not me and are going to think differently than me. And therefore, there's a very high likelihood of a different point of view. And that's okay, you know, I'm going to try to find points of common ground and, you know, make the world better, I'm not going to be easily offended by somebody who grew up with completely different circumstances, different education, different role models, different traumas, you know, don't don't expect people to see the world the same way that you do, it's just not gonna happen. And it's setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment. And it's the ego that tries to, you know, preserve your view of being right all the time and to, you know, vindicate you for absolutely everything. And, you know, the ego plays plays a large role in human preservation, right, we've, we've got to take care of ourselves, and stay alive to for the continuation of the human race, but the world that we live in now, you're not having the same struggles that we once did, having all of this modern medicine and, you know, you go back even just like Victorian age, England, you know, 35% of children didn't make it to age five, you know, like it was just that much of a struggle to just get kids to make it to adolescence. And you know, when you're in the near 50% shot of of your child not making it like think about it, that wasn't very long ago, we live in a different world. Now we've solved a lot of these problems and there's still a lot of problems to solve. But just you know, listen to this quote, look into Wayne Dyer's world because if if you want to be offended, that is doable. If you want to stop being offended, that is doable. At the end of the day, everything is a choice. Your mind is Yours nobody else's freedom of speech was fought for for a very, very long time by many, but freedom of thought is up to the individual, right? freedom of thought is up to every human being to think for themselves and really truly for themselves, right? Is this my thought? Does this genuinely offended me? Or have I slipped into groupthink again? And is it just fashionable and easier to just jump on this train and be offended along with everybody else? And again, it comes down to the questions we ask ourselves, right, the quality of your life is going to come down to the quality to the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

Luke Fenwick 50:34 Awesome. Awesome. I love it. I love it. Well, let's bring this thing to a close. You mentioned a little bit more your you mentioned some around evolution on one of their safe if through evolution, as you mentioned, our default nature is negativity. How do we start to break this trend and call out culture, which we've mentioned a few times in the show and create a more positive world for future generations? Take us home.

Sean Oldham 50:59 Well, these are always, you know, vague, vague questions towards the end. And I'm not going to have the the one solid answer, but it keeps coming back to, you know, the certain ages, zebra just won't change its stripes. Right. But where we do have an opportunity is changing how we present our values in the world to younger generations. Right. And, you know, this is the this is a subject that we've talked on before. But it's, you know, the programming that we put out there for the masses, right it's the it's it's basically the the law, there's a lot of industries out there, Luke that are no longer really pro human evolution, right. Like, if you like, you know, switching gears a little bit, you know, the food industry, the large food industry that's pumping things full of sugar, preservatives, sodium, knows that they're making people sick, right, we now know for sure that these foods consumed in abundance are making people sick. Big Pharma knows that if they just keep pumping the symptom, and people don't actually get better, then they have a continued racket to keep kind of charging people, right. It's the same thing with you know, call out culture and negativity. If the news cycle keeps rewarding that type of behavior by highlighting it all of the time, then we're not going to break any of these cycles, because we are rewarding negativity, we are rewarding these behaviors in our in our societies. And that just comes down to understanding the negativity bias, right, like these people that are in these positions of power. They understand this and you know this very well. But you know, the the people that are in power with the billion dollar news conglomerates, they're very aware of how we are wired, right, they're very aware of the fear centers in our brain. And if they continue to tap into these fear centers in our brain and activate them, they're going to continue to get listeners because people are like, I need to watch the next newscast because man like you Do you hear what happened yesterday. That's what sells, right. So until we start making decisions that are a little bit more pro human evolution and a little bit less, you know, profit and ratings based, and just keeping the money flowing. We're gonna have a lot of these problems perpetuate. So you know, it's gonna take a movement, I don't know exactly how we change it. But awareness, it starts with awareness, right? That's why I'm here. That's why we're doing this show. That's why I do the odd Instagram Live. I know I don't have the audience of 1000s, let alone millions yet. But I'm not going to keep trying to just make a few people a little bit more aware at a time. And you know, that's kind of how it hopefully can slowly spread, right? Because it's going to take a massive, massive effort to outdo those that are pushing the negativity and playing this game that they know very well what they're doing.

Luke Fenwick 53:41 So if people are sitting there at home right now, what is the one thing they can take away? If they're going... I do get easily offended? Now I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being easily offended at the drop of a hat. What's one thing they can try and do?

Sean Oldham 53:58 The mental diet, but you know, think think of what you put into your mind as a mental diet. But that's what I'm going to say right? Are you are you putting in rubbish? are you what are you binge watching program after program that is tapping into this fear center and this negativity? You know, do you watch the news every night? Can you find it from a different source where you may be reading it and kind of choosing what you absorb instead? You know, can you consume more positive educational information? You know, if you want a healthy body, everyone kind of knows what you have to do. It's not a lack of information issue. You know that you've got to exercise and eat good foods that the body actually recognizes as food both. Although you can't see that transformation in the mind. It's a very similar concept. You've got to consume a very healthy mental diet if you want a healthy mind. So start thinking about if I am very negative and a lot easily offends me, what is my mental diet and just start there, just start there. I'm not going to tell you how you fix it, but just start by figuring out what am i absorbing What am I consuming? What is my mental diet?

Luke Fenwick 55:03 All right, well, thank you. Thank you, everybody, for listening. If you if you do enjoy the show, don't forget to like it, subscribe and share. We'll be back in a few weeks for Episode Number eight. And this one's going to be a special one. Sean, it's 100% dedicated to you, for you, about you.

Sean Oldham 55:24 Well, yeah, it's gonna be you know, I'm an open book and, you know, I share my story fully so that I hope some people can learn from it and you know, avoid a lot of the the pain and struggle that I went through. So, um, you know, I'm very happy to share that and go through it and, you know, be careful what you ask because in a couple of weeks, it's going to be your turn pal, so it's gonna come right back out. Yeah.

Luke Fenwick 55:47 I can't wait for both. But huh yeah, Thank you so much. It's been awesome show everybody the safe be present, be you and

Sean Oldham 55:56 and I was always chase fulfillment.

Luke Fenwick 56:00 Bye for now.