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Living in a toxic relationship

We’ve all heard of the term but do we actually all understand what that means? Furthermore, how to recognise if you are in one, what to do when you're deep in it, strategies to try and instill some change in the relationship's dynamic etc.

Let’s dive in.

“We have known each other for years, that’s just how they are.”
“They say they love me but I always feel so crap.”
“They don’t know what they are saying. I’m not dumb.”
“They promised they would change. I know they will.”
“They didn’t mean it that way.”
"It was my fault. I shouldn't have said that in the first place."

Have you ever said any of that? Or have you heard a friend, a colleague, a sibling, try to justify their partners’ actions?

What are toxic relationships?

Toxic relationships, toxic friendships… they are simply toxic situations that don’t help us grow in any way, in fact they are leading us the opposite way.

Dr Lillian Glass defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship between people who don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”

Is any of that in your life right now?

Now, that's BS!

B is for Behaviour(s)

Many people have been lucky enough to not have experienced a toxic relationship in their lifetime and sometimes, people who are in one don't even realise that they are in one.

From the outside, a toxic relationship can look like this:

• You never have input.

• You are always feeling bad about yourself.

• You are forever looking for approval or reassurance from the other person.

• You are living on a knife's edge, waiting and waiting for the emotional cut to come.

Often, it simply looks like the other person:

• Wants to control you;

• Displays jealous behaviour;

• Never provides support;

• Pulls you down; and/or

• Always takes, never gives, then wants more.

What does it feel like being in a toxic relationship?

If you are still struggling to understand whether you’re in a toxic relationship or not, think about it this way.

Each time you interact with that particular person, you feel bad about yourself. No gratitude or love in return. Your gut churns, your self-esteem is lower each passing day and it all feels way too hard (and unfair).

C'mon, that's real BS!

S is for Strategies

Get the hell out of there!

Every toxic relationship is different and every single one of them will have a backstory, circumstances… and yes, I shouldn’t say that.
It’s really not my place BUT please wake up!

What you have to understand is that it is not your job in life to accept their behaviour and try to change them IF IT IS DAMAGING YOU.

But don’t take my word for it, here are a few other ways you can go about living your life in a toxic relationship.

Share

It’s important to let others see and understand what you’re going through

Speak to people close to you, the people you value the opinion of, to gain their perspective on what you are feeling and experiencing.

Act accordingly

From there, if you are indeed in a toxic relationship, apply these strategies:

• Don’t be involved in gaslighting.

• Be ok with walking away. Understand when enough is enough.

• If it matters (to you), dig deeper to try and understand why they are doing this (it might save the relationship and might change both your lives)

Learn to ‘protect’ yourself

Despite all this, IF you decide to stay in this toxic relationship, you need to:

• Set boundaries.

• Be clear on your needs and wants.

• Understand it's not your fault they behave this way.

• Be clear on what you can do to improve the situation for you.

Chances are, the other person involved in this toxic relationship won't want to engage with you at this level and will look to deflect and avoid any discussion that will highlight their behaviour as being toxic but this difficult conversation might be the most important one you have in a long time.

I wish that these strategies improve the way you are living your life in a toxic relationship and evolve the relationship from toxic to something more healthy and giving.
OR
Is it time to leave your toxic relationship behind?

Life is short, love is free… don’t stand in a toxic relationship any longer than you should. No one deserves that. YOU don’t deserve that.

Someone else said about this

“Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” — Anonymous

If you know someone who may be in a toxic relationship and maybe they don't know it, forward this on. It's important to talk about it and open avenues of communication.

And, remember that at any stage, you can book a FREE chat with me - no pressure, no commitment.

IMPORTANT: There are various degrees of intensity when it comes to toxic relationships. If at any stage, you feel like you could be in danger and you are afraid of the other person’s reactions, please reach out for help to professionals in your local area.)

Love it, discuss it, share it #thatsbs